And i'm 5 years ago, and three thousand miles away..

* Woaaahhhhhs. *

Its been, what, 2 or 3 months since i last cluttered up the internet with my ramblings. Strange.
And ..:O
I have more followers. Better make this a good 'un.

Hmm. Haiiii guys. :)

Random thought. If everyone thinks i'm being annoying on fb about Timothy, i think i might just take the piss and actually be annoying. :)
Ohohhoh. Funtimes.

I would blog about every little crappy detail in my life at the present moment in time, but frankly, i don't think anyone would be bothered to read it. :)

And at the moment, i am currently kidding myself that i can sing. I think its sad, really.

Enough rubbish for now.
Ciaoooo, mushrooms.

I walk a lonely road, the only one that i have ever known..

I'm not lonely.
Just a little insecure.

Seems as though my life is a complete waste of space to some people.
Like, just because i'm
a)not bumming them constantly and sucking up
b)not being a bitch about everyone the whole time
c)a bit of a wallflower
d)happy for once

,doesn't mean i'm boring.

Plus. Who says that i'm boring?

You and what army?

Exactly. I shouldn't change cos you've said i should.

I was trying to change anyway.

If i didn't talk at all, then its not like anyone would particularly notice.

And well. I try to be included. But noone really wants to include me, its pretty obvious.

I think i shall just be cynical from now on. You like how i am, or you just deal with it i'm afraid.


:)

And so we burst into colours..

I feel worn out.

Like i've been hit with a tonne of bricks or something.

I can't even think about tomorrow. Or Monday.

It makes my head hurt.



I'm scared.

More than ever.


I just want this to end well.

And your eyes are the brightest of all the colours, I don't ever wanna love another..

Ohhhhh dear.


This is not good. Surely I shouldn't be feeling like this?

I have your name scrawled everywhere, it seems.

Not really helpful.

Just remindful.
Thank you Anna. Just when i was trying to stop thinking about him.

:P

And you've ruined my pencil case.

Everyone's gonna have to sign it now.


Back to the main focus.

I don't think i should be falling for you yet. I haven't even really talked to you.

Ohhhhhh dear.

You look at me, it's like you hit me with lightning..

Yeah I'm pissed off.

Well done.

All of you, I hope you're proud of yourselves.

None of you understand how I actually feel.

So what, you've got experience?

I don't really give a shit. As you don't about me.
:)

The title of this post alone should be giving you (dear readers) some idea of what I'm talking about.

..I'm falling.....hard.

For someone who:

a) doesn't know I like them.
b) might not like me at all
c) could..break my heart if it goes wrong.

I don't want to be heartbroken.

I just want someone.
Someone who actually understands me and listens.

Someone that'll hold me.
And catch me when I fall, no matter what.

I don't know if this is that person.



I'm gonna find out soon enough.

And your mind is the same as mine, all full things benign..

I think that today, i have nicknamed myself.
Bird'snesthead. Or BNH.
:)

I have not seen more ridiculous hair in my entire life.

Ahh well. There is not much i can do about it.

Anyway.

More exciting stuff.
I am gonna make my mum a scrapbook for her birthday :D
LIke, a mini one.
Made outta brown paper bags and string.


I'm only joking about the string. Gosh.

Although..it might look sorta original. Hmm.

First things first. I need pictures.


I do love a challenge. ;)

I hate to say i told you so, you're never gonna let this go..

I have just noticed how disgusting my nails are.

And that, dear followers, readers and unfortunate souls, is one of the things that pisses me off.
I shall have to cut them now, otherwise its just gonna bug me for the rest of today.

As will my essay.
Which i have written a paragraph for, and is due first thing tomorrow.


Basically, i'm screwed.

I do not like Dickens at all. Or his crummy books.

Grrrr.

And OHH MYY GOD, you look just like Shakira..

I have that in my head now.

Every so often I grin and repeat that phrase to myself.
A little bit sad to be honest.

But a good song all the same.

I should really be doing this stupid essay.
Grr.
And this is being nice, apparently.

:/
Some half term this has been.


Stop moaning. Yes. Shut up.

..Why am i even bothering?



Sigh.

8 Days.

I really shouldn't be counting.



It is inevitably going to fail.

You hit me once, i hit you back, you gave a kick, i gave a slap..

I almost fell off my chair twice today. (I use the term 'my chair' loosely, as it is in fact Charlotte's chair. Digression.)

Once from shock, then from laughter.

1. My ipod scared me. I was humming 'My Hero' by Paramore, when it started to play it by the Foo Fighters on shuffle. I was dead impressed. Reckon we have some psychic bondage happening.

2. I was laughing at the book i was reading. Killing God by Kevin Brooks. Brilliant. I mean, obviously, it hasn't converted my beliefs. But it has made me extremely curious. I have wondered what's its like to be an atheist. And to be called Dawn.

Dawn..
That's a beautiful name, all in all.


A kiss with a fist is better than none..

Sorry. Just appreciating the sound of Florence & The Machine.

Good stuff.


Back to names. I think, if i had the chance, i would like to be renamed any of the following:

Alexandra.
Amy.
Ummm...

Ooh ooh.

Rosie.
Lucy.
(Yeahh..sorta lost the alphabetical order there.)

Francesca.
Or Lucia.

:O

Ophelia.

As they took his soul, they stole his pride..

I haven't posted in a while, it seems.
Its not as if anyone actually reads my crap though, so who cares?

I've been telling most of my worries to my worry people. So maybe this might be worth reading for once, dear readers.

Plus..i think Maria is stalking me. Why are you suddenly adding me on everything?

Strange child. :P

I think this might have been the best day of this shitty week called a "holiday".

I know its kinda materialistic, but i got a loada stuff. Sorta pleased. I never usually find so much that fits me in one go. :)

Aaaand. Although its not really following the traditions, i had pancakes today.

Tuesdays are soooo last year. I kid.
Mum was too ill.

She always seems to be ill these days. Or cold. Always cold. I'm getting a bit worried.

It means she's always starting arguements with me too. I really don't like this.
Its not even like i'm doing anything wrong in particular.

NOOOO TELL HIM TEEEELLL HIIMM

Err. sorry. Watching Material Girl.



Ohh no..i'm starting to think again...about stuff that shouldn't be thought about.

Ohhh maaan..just when i thought i was getting somewhere.

Some willpower i have.

Because tonight, we raise the sun, and shine it over everyone..

I do NOT like this day. Not one bit.

A list of things that went wrong:
Weeeeell. Two things/three things went alrighhht.

I found my worry people. (YEEEEEEESSSSS.I'm a freak.)

I got to see Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief.

I think i'm friends with someone again.


Back to the bad things.

1. I didn't get to go to evening mass and had to endure like, a hoard of babies screaming and generally making morning mass unbearable.
2. My grandad is ill. He's the only one i have left now.
3. The rabbit BIT my knee this morning. That rabbit..is like the devil incarnated, i swear.
4. I had to go to Sainsbury's to buy some popcorn and (wtff) two boxes of flapjacks. I somehow managed to fuck up the self service counter. So not only did the help-y person have to come once, but 4 fucking times.
5. I got to the car to find out i'd bought the wrong popcorn. God woman, well you weren't exactly specific, were you?!
6. I had to run ahead to buy the tickets for the film, so whilst there were lots of smug looking couples EVERYWHERE, i had to get a family ticket and stand there like a lemon for ten minutes whilst the family snail paced their way to the entrance. COULD YOU WALK ANY SLOWER?
7. The film itself was good. Logan is fittttttttt.
Digression. Bad points.
8. My mum decided to be a retard and share out the popcorn into little sealable bags. The girl sitting next to me just gave me a pityful look. Then continued to stuff her face with butterkist.
9. Mother then managed her contact lense to come out. So i had to wait for ages holding everyone's coats.
10. When we got out, i walked ahead (as everyone else walks too slowly) and stood there waiting by the carpark for 5 minutes.
11. They then come round the corner and laugh at me.
12. We get to the car and as i open the car door, my brother shoves past me and i bang my head trying to push him in.
13. I then get in myself and manage to bang my head AGAIN. That time it really hurt.
14. Oh yeah. And i lost one of my favourite earrings. >< I dispairrrr.


Today has not generally been good.

Then they'll meet one day, far away, and say, i wish i knew you, i wish i knew you before..

Is this the pinnacle, is this the pinnacle, the pinnacle of being alive?

I think i'm falling in love with Biffy Clyro.

Such beauty is found rarely.

When the see-saw snaps and splinters your hand, don't come crying to me..

Nathalie, i owe you one matey.

;)


Oh dear..
Its that day tomorrow, isn't it?

Oh dear oh dear.

At least..i look alrightish for once.

Just gonna have to do it.



Being brave is harder than it sounds.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..

How dismal you are.

I mean, c'mon.

"You have no idea what i know"

As if i even give a SHIT.

And, as i type, more and more of the people you thought were on your side..well lets just say, people don't favour the unreasonable.
Sorry.


:)

Surprised are we?

That i can stick up for myself?

Deal with it.

Coming out your mouth with your BLAAAH BLAAAAH BLAAAH.

Jeeeeeez girl.

I never thought it was possible for anyone to be so unreasonable.

If you've ever been alone, you'll know, you'll know..

I don't really have anything to say.

Nobody seems to realise what they're doing.


Life isn't fair.

Got all these words, can't waste them on each other..

Oh dear.


Things aren't looking too good.
Life has just chucked everything back in my face.

It has a bloody good aim.
It hurt.


Still does.

Just when i thought i was making it to the top of the cliff.

I only have to go and get knocked back down again.
An unending cycle of attempts.

Never successes.

I was even so naive as to believe that i actually had friends.

God. How stupid i was.
Sure, i have a few, but the ones who i thought were close?
The ones i put my trust in?
Who i thought actually CARED?

Ohoh. Never seen such fickle liars.

Not many people like me..

And ain't life a bitch?

Straight in a straight line, running back to you..

Is this happiness?

I can never tell. Strange. Feels like it should be.

Today is quite significant. Not really for anyone else.
Its just a normal Sunday.
School tomorrow.
Urgghh..

Back to my point.
Very significant. For reasons untold. ;)

I even did a bit of feng shui yesterday.
It actually works. My room is tidy, and i feel...odd.

Maybe its happiness.
I'll never know. Who defines these things anyway?

It could all end very extremely badly. And then for the next week, i shall probably cry a lot and despair. I do that waaay too much for my own good.

But if it goes well?..Then who knows?

Not me for sure.

In violent times, you shouldn't have to sell your souuul..

I discovered something today.


Even if you don't notice it, there is always hope.
Always people to catch you when you fall.
Hidden.

Just where you'll stumble if you need them.

And other people who you think have your back, well, they're the ones who really don't care all that much.

:/

Yeaah. I feel a bit odd.
Maybe its excitement.
Anxiety.
Panic.
(Most likely panic.)
The list goes on.
Basically, i'm terrified. Very extremely confused and terrified because of it.



There's nothing to do now, but ...

w
a
i
t....

You've been the only thing that's right, in all i've done..

Hmm. :)


Today. Was not all that bad.
Had a panic, did some ridiculously hard test, blah blah.

But.

I have a plan. And this one may just be sucessful.
Things are going my way.

You never know, next weekend, i could be....;)


Haaaaaah. I'm quite happy with all this. I'm getting good vibes. Not that i'm some hippy-dippy freak.

No, really.

:)

We were both young when i first saw you..

I'm worried.

Not something surprising, for me.

But this time, its of actual importance. In the grand scheme of things.

Before you roll your eyes, i shall explain.

I'm not in love. I'm not in anything.
I'm not making up crap.

(Seriously, i'm not.)

But i'm close to being in something.
I'm also close to being depressed for a bit.

Isn't that ironic?
Almost like i'm hanging off the edge of a cliff.



On one side of me... theres a bit of hope. A ledge.

The rest is an impending drop.


Guess where i reckon i'm at.

Tell me what you want from here...I'M GONNA GIVE ALL MY SECRETS AWAAAAY.

Nah. Not really. :)

Darn amazing song though.

Hooooo dear.

I reckon i haven't been this nervous about anything in my life.
Not even the french GCSE i did last year.

Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllmm.

Heh. That looks funny.

I'm too worried to post.
Stupid stupid girl.

Right. >< Shoes. Shoes. Er.

Remember when you were my boat, and i was your sea, together we'd float, so delicately..

Hmm. Overall, my opinion of myself is that i am an emotional wreck.
But we can't be happy all the time, you know.
I also now realise how much i've taken things for granted.
For example.
The internet has been gone for almost two weeks.

It returns. And its not all that amazing as i made it out to be.
People are very different. I think i prefer texting to be quite honest.

I also think i should stop talking to myself.

But if it gives some loser something to read, that's good right?


Hi loser, by the way.

I reckon you are also one of my favourite people.

I might just make a list of my favourite people.

Mentally.
I wouldn't want anyone getting upset.
Although, i don't reckon anyone cares. Or cares about me. Or even likes me for that matter.

Such a hypocritical world that we live in.
I'm not too sure i like it all that much.



The feeling's mutual.

I don't care what you think, as long as its about me.

I feel so tired, i could drop down asleep here and now.
Except i won't.
Because the floor doesn't look all that comfy.

I do like sleeping. But. HORROR OF ALL HORRORS.
I have to set.my.ALARM. at weekends now. I mean, its bad enough having mother rip the warm duvet off you, but now an annoying beeping/radio irritation?

NOT HAPPENING WOMAN.
You is out of your MIND.

What has my life come to?
Bad times, that's what.

Hmmph.

I think, just to spite her, i shall wake up at the CRACK OF DAWN every weekend to go running.

That'll serve her right for even suggesting such a disgusting proposition.

Hmmmmmmm... oh yeaaaaah.

The main topic of this post.


I have found happiness in my misery.


Up yours, bitch. :)

Dearest Enemy, you should have never trusted me, you BITCH.

Well well well.



Looks like its back to how things were, huh?

I have resolved that as soon as the opportunity arises, i shall whack you VERY EXTREMELY HARD with a hockey stick. Kidding. I wouldn't be that MEAN.

And best of all?





I was right about you all along.



No point pretending anymore, you know.

I can see right through all your shit.





Did you have fun leading me along like this?

I'm sure you feel fucking fantastic.

Good for you.


Bitch.

Did you really think we'd believe you?

Frankly, i'm quite lost.
I don't understand.
Your problem i guess.
And for one, i really don't want you finding out about something.
A sense of forboding tells me you already know.

And will be taking the piss.
But life goes on.
Except, to you, it seems, maybe the people do as well.
Friends are just brief flashes in your life.
I seem to be anyway.

I wish i had your confidence.
So i could be brave enough to do the thing i most dread.


..I don't know why i've basically talked to you for this post.
But who cares.


You certainly don't.

There's no such thing as accidental infidelity.

Or accidental ignorance.

It couldn't be more blatantly obvious.

Just how stupid do you think i am?

Sometimes, i just want to hit you. Very very extremely HARD.
But i won't.
:)

Its not even like you're reading this anyway.
Thats a good thing.
Very good.

We'll see just how true your statement is tomorrow, my friend. We'll see.

And most of all. I hope you're happy.
Things are going your way.

I just hope all this was worth it.

Playing The Blame Game.

Don't you just love being ignored?
Ah, the feeling of alienation is one of the best you can get.
:)
To be completely honest though, i think i was letting stuff get to me a bit too much this week. It hasn't been a great one, that's for sure.
The title of today's post may give you, (my very dear invisible audience) a bit of a clue. It does seem to my good self that i have been blamed, for rather a lot of things recently. Its almost like i can't do anything respectively right. Oh well. Life goes on.

Gives me a little bit of peace. I can actually think about stuff a lot when its just me. The walk home is hmm...i reckon about half an hour?
That's when i sort out all my problems, all my worries.
Plan stuff.


Sorta like tihs. But in my head.
OOOOH. 'My head is a prison, but nobody visits'
That song is quite amazing.

As is this freaking amazing program.
WOW.
Material Girl.
WOW.

And -siiiiiiiighhhhh-
i may not be loved. But i am in love.
With my phone. My beautiful baby has returned.
<3 <3 <3 <3



Shite. This is good t.v.

I may just go now.
Bitchy real life v. Bitchy t.v?

T.v wins every time.
;D




Ciao biatches of the world.
Life calls.

And i don't know who you are, when you're running inside my head.

I should really be doing maths revision. But i'm not. I'm here..blogging. To apparently no audience. I can pretend, though.
I'm good at pretending. I'm also good at ruining stuff. Like...homework. And friendships. And boiled eggs.
I'm also gonna pretend that i can sing, and am not consequently killing everyone's ears at this present moment in time. Its not like i can help it. You me at six. Undenyably singalongable. Now thats a sentence and a half. I'm unbelievably glad i've got most of the music i lost back. Stupid computer.
Technology seems to have a mind of its own these days. It was only yesterday that i was wrestling the scanner.
.....*examines hair*........
i need a haircut.
Maybe more like a bob.
No idea.
Hmm.



Oh yeah.
To anyone that i've made upset?
I'm sorry.
And thats a wrap. Or maybe thats when i get fed up. Same thing really.